Embracing Mommyhood

Here's something that may come as a surprise to you: I've never taken care of a baby before.
I've always wanted to be a mom but I've never had a bit of practice (at least not alone). In fact, the first diaper I ever changed was Will's.

When we first brought Will home, I was very fortunate to have a lot of help; even though husband's time off was over by the time Will came home. Husband took half-days for a week, my mom came a lot, and Becky took a couple half-days a week. So for the first few weeks home I had help for at least half of the day.

When the time came for me to spend all day alone with Will, I was very nervous. Let's face it, I was scared. To say Will cried a lot in the first few weeks would be an understatement. He cried and I got mad and I cried. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what he wanted, and I mainly just wanted him to stop crying. The only thing keeping me sane was constantly reminding myself of something I read in The Baby Whisperer, it goes something like: I cry because I need your help, I'm little and I can't do it myself.

I would call husband upset and crying, "I can't do this!" On more than one occasion, he came home early from work.

Finally, one day, I thought to myself, "why am I so mad? He's just a baby." I really thought about this and I realized I was so mad because I am selfish. Now I know we all have selfish tendencies from time to time, but I didn't realize how selfish I was until I had this little tiny life that needed me for everything. I was mad because I couldn't do anything I wanted to do. I couldn't put him down, I couldn't do yoga, I couldn't blog (I later started blogging from my phone while nursing or rocking), I couldn't read. Although sometimes what I wanted to do was legitimate like eat or use the bathroom, otherwise it was a very self-centered way to feel.

I felt like I had lost a piece of my life or like I had lost myself, my own identity, but I realized this is my life now. Looking down at the completely dependent baby in my arms, he is my life. This is what I do. Not only am I okay with that, I love it. From that day on I feel I've really been able to embrace my new role as a mom. I'm more patient with him and less selfish, I don't get so upset when he wakes up only 30 minutes into his nap, like just now. Sure, it's annoying, especially if I'm in the middle of something, but he's more important than whatever I'm doing, so I don't get angry, I just go in there and pick him up because that's what I'm here for. Sure the books say it's bad if his whole nap is in my arms, but it works (honestly, it's more discouraging than annoying). This baby needs me, sometimes he just wants my attention, sometimes he's just wants to sit in my lap, nothing is more important.

This week I even took it a step further. I realized that there are too many times when I'm holding Will or playing with Will and also checking my phone. It's rediculous how often I check facebook and twitter during the day. Why am I doing this? Am I bored? How can I be bored when I have a cute baby to play with?! So I told myself I wouldn't check either for a week. Now I'm constantly checking blogs. Maybe I'm just craving adult interaction.


P.S. Don't you love it that right at the moment you're thinking, "baby sure looks cute in that outfit," is when he spits-up on it?