Plan Z

I didn't plan on going so long without posting. I didn't plan on a lot of things.

I did plan on having a baby, and he is amazing. William Judah was born Sunday, February 13 at 3:55 a.m. His birth weight was 8lbs 14.5 oz.

I had planned on nursing him soon after birth, before he got too sleepy. In childbirth class, we had watched a video that showed how babies from unmedicated births could crawl to the breast and begin to nurse right after birth. I wanted that.



Instead, what I got was about one minute of holding him before they took him to the NICU. Shawn's first time holding him (and my second) wasn't until he was 6 days old. He was about 10 days old before I could try to nurse him. There is no picture of me holding him in the birthing room like everyone else has, we weren't thinking about pictures at the time.

Part of the reason I had a natural birth was so that Will wouldn't be affected by the medications. He was on narcotics for days.

I never thought we would have to leave the hospital without him. That is the hardest thing I have ever done. He had been a part of me for 10 months and now I had to go home and leave him at the hospital. That terrible feeling returned every night when we had to leave him again.

I hated it. I missed him so much. After a few days they reduced the meds that kept him somewhat sedated and he would try to cry (he had no voice because of the tubes in his throat). I wanted to hold him so bad. Those of you that have kids and haven't gone through something like this, can you imagine your baby crying and not being able to hold him? It's a miserable feeling.

Add to all the hormones and emotions from this the fact that I knew other people who just had babies or were having babies and got to take them home two days later. I don't even know how to describe the feelings I had. Jealousy? definitely, but a jealousy I had never felt before. It was like I was mad at them or despised them for having healthy babies.

Since I couldn't nurse him, I was pumping every three hours, four during the night. I hated pumping, he couldn't even have the milk yet. I just wanted to feed my baby. Even when we did get him home, I was still pumping, and crying over spilled milk because I didn't get as much as he was eating.

I wasn't the only one crying. He had shown us how angry he could get already but once we were home, it was like if he wasn't eating or sleeping (which he didn't do much) he was crying. I did not expect this, I was a good baby, Shawn was a good baby. Will is a high-need baby.

Aside from having a natural birth, nothing had gone the way I wanted. Not being able to nurse him was my biggest issue once we were home, but I kept trying. Now I'm writing this as I nurse him and there's over 70oz of milk in the freezer. I'm also glad to say that the crying has gotten a lot better once we got past the 8 week mark.

He was in the NICU for 12 days but you would never know it now. He is strong and healthy and wonderful.



(please forgive any errors in this post as I cannot bring myself to proofread it without creating a puddle of tears and milk).